Off our chests

We were sarcastic to babies. We left jellyfish on the beach access steps, we wrapped a piece of dry ice in bread and fed it to a seagull, we crucified tuataras by the tracks in national parks. We thought our deodorant would get us laid by two girls at once- we weren’t even half right. We amputated the wrong limb- we had been drinking. We saw Jermaine in Patel’s and acted like he was our friend. We mouthed the national anthem, we pissed on the field. We paid her $150,000 on the quiet, which is almost $40,000 per vertebrae and not a bad hourly rate.  We needed constant distraction, a soundtrack, we had to be occupied all the time, we hated gaps, we had no attention span, we were never satisfied doing one thing at a time. We laughed at three legged dogs and sometimes we'd make them jump for food. We went around pouring raro into people's hot water cylinders. We declared war on God when we knew he was omnipotent. We sold pictures of the tumour to Woman’s Day. We hosted breakfast television; we were naked from the waist down. We knew 9/11 was going to happen and we could have warned people but our bed was warm and we didn’t have money on our phones. We rewrote Shakespeare with happy endings. We changed our relationship status to “it’s pointless.” We did our calculations in imperial instead of metric, four astronauts were asphyxiated. We tried to kill ourselves but messed it up, so we did the research and wrote a book called SUICIDE FOR DUMMIES- it was a bestseller, life got better. We put your toothbrush where the sun don’t shine. We put pornographic Harry potter slash fiction in the children’s library. We wrote fucking disgusting things with your magnetic poetry. We joined causes on Facebook.  Our ipods were full of pirated NZ music. We couldn’t keep conversations going, we found it difficult to read between the lines, we were borderline all sorts of things. We wore bangles to indicate to the boys what we were willing to do- green meant oral, blue was for with a condom, red without- we turned our collars down to show him we were up for it. We were small fish in a tiny pond. We’re guilty of static, of white noise, polystyrene packaging and bubble wrap, we put the huge amount of junk information in your DNA. We got into the stranger’s car- the offer was just too good. We cried when people died in movies because we couldn’t help thinking it could be you. We got our gum caught in your pubic hair. We wore Che Guevara T-shirts. We misplaced parts of the infant’s body, we buried her incomplete. We yelled at cicadas. We knew where Carmen San Diego was all along.
A selection from in-rehearsal explorations of Speak Bitterness in 2008. Written by Rachel, Claire, Simon, Ralph and Joel, after Forced Entertainment. Continues- click "read more".

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 We were stand up comedians, when we answered the phone we pretended to be a recorded voice. Our shoes were held together with glue. We had nowhere to go to, we spent eight hours every day walking purposefully around the city, talking on a toy cell phone. We were always just on the outside of everything, we tagged along, we laughed too much, we were included in bulk emails. We only existed when other people were looking at us, at all other times we weren’t there. We waited till you gave us the fifty dollar gift voucher then we told you we didn’t want a committed relationship, but actually it was because you didn’t wash your hair. We played footsies in lectures. We’re guilty of thinking we were immortal- we honestly couldn’t imagine ever dying. We went through the rooms, we looked in underwear drawers, we read diaries and looked under mattresses, we looked at photo albums- it was the only reason we became plumbers. We disconnected the brakes in the school bike stands. We crucified Aslan on a stone altar. We’re guilty of buying 100mls of water in a sipper bottle. We played out of tune, sung off key, we were a beat behind- we were the worst one man band ever. Our voices didn’t match our bodies so they were overdubbed in post production.  We ate fish even though we knew they feel pain. We were drawn to danger- our lives as human cannonballs almost killed us. We dropped the camera because we were stoned. We hit a lamb and kept driving. We never liked your smell. We admired anorexics for their self control. We sleep walked non stop for a year, we fucked the other cowboy. We thought you could lose a few, we thought you sung out of tune. We had a favorite sibling, we thought our parents were stupid. We had never heard a dial tone. We killed our father and had sex with our mother. We drank green top milk and full fat yoghurt. We ate duck with Pinot Gris. When Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, we replaced him- we looked enough alike that nobody noticed. We saw a movement in the bush and fired reflexively. We printed fake money, we forgot the meaning of Christmas. We listened to music meant for black people. We charged $1000  to clean an old man’s windows. We never texted back, we were typical guys. We wore crocs. We were alcohol virgins at age 17, we’re guilty of being made emotional and nostalgic by the smell of pot and perfume. We did the bare minimum, we wrote terrible essays. We released two self titled albums, we sold out, we cut our hair, shaved our beards, we went stadium, we went electronic, we released three greatest hits CDs, we went back to our southern roots, we made 5 comebacks, we staged 8 farewell tours, we got shat on by pigeons, we hated our fans. We’re guilty of loneliness. We worked split shifts with an Asian guy for two weeks before we realized he was two different people. We overindulged in unexciting substances- we had chocolate instead of sex. We turned theatre into therapy. We cut people’s souls away with a guillotine. We named our cell phones and penises. We got our periods and felt empowered. We hated all your music. We got totally, totally fucking bored at theatre performances-we looked at the walls, the floor, the programme- anywhere but the stage, we counted mini fresnels. We got drunk and sent a text which said “I love you” over and over again. We never slept, we just lay there with our eyes open, listening to you breathe. We lived in a vacuum- we skated on the surface tension of the water, like bugs.