Tricks and Traps 27/01/2010
 
This envelope is adapted to survive and reproduce in the jungle. It is an eye catching  yellow and red, divided into sections: priority delivery in one, in another, an outline of a jet plane. There are two small boxes next to winner authenticated, and look, the "yes" one has been printed with a tick it it. In another section, a warning that I have a deadline before which to collect my prize.

All of these adaptations are geared toward the opening of this letter by an individual of my species.  Thousands are scattered like seed pods in letterboxes all down my street, and will succeed with a few.

Not me though. I will not be fooled by such basic tricks: wings that look like eyes, harmless snakes disguised as venomous ones, sentimental music in films, artificial perfumes, this envelope.

Though I'll never know unless I check...

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Who dares wins: Marc Ellis cuts off a woman’s ponytail for $50, gets her quick before she realises quite what’s happening. She's a grandmother, and goes quiet and looks genuinely horrified at what has happened, like she's been done by confidence trickster. This operation looks legitimate- there's  camera, celebrity and consent-  but isn't shaving off a woman’s hair a pretty traditional way of destroying her? Ellis, (upbeat, matey, looking desperate) pounces before she changes her mind. Snip, snip...

-Ralph
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WHY THE SECOND NIGHT WAS SHITE by the piano player/dishwasher I had been drinking heavily the night before, it was a rainy, windy, shitty morning, I had work, someone called in sick, it was busy. Every so often, you get handed a real stinker of a day. My heart was pounding liquid tar around my shuddering excuse for a human body. A tiny demon was attacking my throat with a metal file. Plates clanged and crashed a demented symphony beyond my comprehension. Towers of glasses accumulated on the bench, refracting the glare of fluorescent lights overhead. My head throbbed. Steam in my face. I emptied the cutlery bucket in the sink: ear-splitting crash. It was punk rock, shards of hard metal reflecting light. Somewhere in the bright lights and loud noises I began to somewhat enjoy the day. An old couple asked me inane questions as I was clearing tables. Did they notice my wan smile, and that my face was drained of colour? Did they realise that really I was having the time of my life? I wish I could have explained the situation to them. You see, I had lost my self somewhere in the kitchen. I was floating around on a tranquil cloud of ego-less-ness. With each THRUMP of my headache my soul sang with joy. I think this is how you feel just before you die. I managed to snatch half an hour of sleep before the show that night. It wasn't enough, I was low on energy and dragged the show down with me. The director was disappointed. I'm sorry.-Stephanie Cairns 
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Feedback the Judges have given us:

  “I wish you’d sing something about my problems.” 

    “I’d like you to do that again, on fire.” 

  “I’d like to see you do that again, but with some tigers.” 

  “Are you aware of the snipers on the upper balcony?”

“You have a luminous soul. You are a voice in a billion. Fix your breasts.” 

  “We don’t have time for another version of Memory. For god’s sake, the ice caps are melting.” 

  “You need to relax, be proud of who you are. Just act natural.” 

  “I don’t think you know who you are. I don’t know who you are. Who are you? How did you get in here? Security!” 

  “Je ne parle pas anglais.” 
 
“You’re good, but there are far too many famous people.” 

  “Do you have an eating disorder, because you should consider getting one.” 

   “You need to believe in yourself.” 

  “You believe in yourself too much.”  

“I’ll give $1000,000 to the audience member who brings me your head in a bag.”  

“I think that you are what this competition is all about.”
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In Defence of Humanity

 Without coming across all defensive, we thought we should remind readers that there are, despite what people have been saying, some pretty clear differences between humans and animals. 

Including:   


  a) We will not tricked by basic traps- ie flowers that look like other bees so that they mate with them, or eyes on butterflies that look like predators.

b) We are (usually) less hairy. We wear eyeliner. 

c) Time, clocks and watches. We understand about death, and that the sun is a very, very long way away. 

 d) We make tools, like hammers and water blasters. 

 e) We outthink our instincts. We tell lies. 

f) Art. No apes make art and if they do it looks like a Jackson Pollock, which doesn’t count. 

 g) We went to the moon. And no, the dogs and apes that went into space first don’t really count because who put them in the rockets in the first place? 

  h) Shakespeare. And especially Hamlet, though I haven’t read it.

i) We fall in actual love and only kill when there are wars or a good reason. 
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